The Ego

Ego has had small mentions in some of my postings before, but I have not dedicated a full post to the topic. I also expect this will not be the last time I speak on ego. I view working on your ego as one of the core pillars of emotional and physical growth, along with using failure to grow, becoming driven instead of using motivation, and learning. A majority of the newsletters I have written about can in some way be broken down to these fundamental topics. For example, self-negotiation, win the seconds, becoming a runner, and intrinsic motivation all relate to becoming driven.

Everyone has an ego. Some have more apparent egos than others and those people are obvious to pick out. Generally, people with strong egos are not people you want to be around. I believe the ego presents itself negatively in two main ways. The first is in failure. A person with a strong ego is less likely to seek the help of others. When they fail at something, they are more likely to push those away who are trying to help. They are also more likely not to listen to or respect the feedback of someone. It takes conscious effort to accept you do not know how to do something or that you are bad at something. No one likes admitting these honest truths but it is when these truths are admitted that the ego is softened and growth can occur. Maintaining a strong ego can hinder any growth in these situations.

The other main way a strong ego presents itself in a negative way is in a discussion of differing opinions. I will use this example as a larger statement about the country we live in today. I believe there has never been more disagreement in this country than today and the ego is to blame. The days of being able to hear both sides and have educational discourse on both sides of a topic seem to be long gone. I am so used to seeing outrage from both sides of the spectrum and only seeing opinions of “I am right, so you are wrong.” There does not seem to be any desire to hear the other opinion in a conversation. As soon as one stance is determined, the person in the other corner automatically assumes the other is wrong. In many cases, someone assumes you are a bad person just from hearing your opinion, before even hearing the reasoning behind it. That is the ego at work. In a matter of opinion, softening the ego enables hard conversations to be free-flowing. It enables and fosters a center of growth where you are able to see and understand your opponent’s viewpoint. This does not mean you need to change your opinion to agree with them but you are setting yourself up to learn from their perspective.

The most descriptive depiction I have seen of what a strong ego feels like is an internal “bristling.” If you hear an opinion that is contrary to yours and your heart rate increases and you are quick to jump to a conclusion, you probably have room to soften your ego. Softening your ego is not an easy task and requires very deliberate effort. It is very easy to snap back at someone when they correct you on something. The hard thing to do is take a deep breath, pause, and realize the help they are trying to give you. With less strong egos in our society, I believe we will see a culture shift. That shift starts at an individual level with how individuals react. Don’t accept the “bristling” as just part of who you are, open your mind to possibilities that can occur if you simply react differently.