The Reality of Family Time

Family to me was never really a big deal when I saw them every day. I love my parents, I love my siblings. There was never a question about this. I have great relationships with both of my parents, I credit them with a majority of developing me into the man I am today. I lived 15 minutes from one set of grandparents and my other set is 3 hours away. All 4 are still alive. I have experienced 0 significant loss in my family since I have been alive. I am lucky for the relationships I have, but I have always taken them for granted. Over the last year I have grown immensely to realize the importance of family time and how family time is not a given, nor is something that lasts forever.

I graduated high school in May of 2017 and went away to college in July of 2017. I was a football player for the University of Virginia for 2.5 years and during that time I averaged around 4 to 6 weeks at home a year, if I was lucky. When normal college students would get a Christmas break from early December to early January, I would get home around New Year’s and head back to school soon after. A 6:00 AM Team meeting on Christmas Day really hits you in a different place!

At the time I enjoyed living on my own in college. No parents, less rules, more friends, the college experience. Through reflection, I have realized my freshman year was the most unhappy I have ever been. There were extenuating circumstances; 2 ankle surgeries, a long-distance girlfriend, the culture shock of Division 1 football, but a main reason was the disconnect from being nearly 1,000 miles away from my family while only seeing them briefly every year.

Speaking of my siblings, I have a twin brother. Entering college was the first time we were apart for extended periods of time. This had a much larger impact on me than I previously realized. I now live in regret knowing I would do anything to spend more time with him in high school, when our rooms were right down the hall from each other. I did not cherish the time together like I would have if I realized what I know and feel now. He is now married, living in another state, and leading his own life. Our relationship is still extremely strong, but we will probably never be in a position where we see each other every day. So is life, things change. I cannot change the past but I can appreciate the present and future memories we will have, that much more. He knows specifically how I feel and that is what matters the most to me.

I also have two younger brothers, also twins, that are 8.5 years younger than us. Seeing them very briefly every year meant every time I did see them, they had dramatically changed. I missed so much of them growing up. This is not something I could have changed, it was just a reality of the age gap we had. I will also never realize how much they missed their "older brothers” because I never had older brothers, they were just my younger brothers. When I was enjoying college they were traversing middle school, two separate worlds. It has since dawned on me I needed to be away from them, to realize what I was truly missing.

After graduating college my first job was in the Washington D.C. area, meaning I was officially starting my adult life in an area away from my family. I assumed this was normal, I would see my family on the holidays or occasionally when they visited for a weekend. Then things changed. I had the opportunity to switch jobs and move back to only an hour away from home. Additionally, I was able to work virtually so I could spend extensive time at home if I wanted to! The last 6 months of being near my family have illuminated a world of new perspectives on how I now feel about family time. I no longer take it for granted, I no longer go through the motions because I know it may not last forever. Circumstances of my life dictate I will be moving to Pennsylvania in May and from there, who knows! However, having the ability to be near my family again for an extended period of time is something that will forever have an impact on me.

During this time my relationship with my little brothers has grown immensely and I have done my best to not let the regrets of my past with my twin brother, occur with my little brothers. I have had the ability to attend most of their high school football games, something I never expected to be possible. I am very cognizant of our age gap and the reality of my “adult life” so I know this at-home family time is not a permanent fixture in my life, but there are permanent memories and experiences already formed. At the same time, I have made it a point to see my grandparents while I am in town. I saw them for Christmas Dinner and went out to lunch with them 2 days later. Why? Because I value that time differently than I did before and cherish being around them.

I enjoy putting things into perspective by looking with a zoomed-out lens. Applying this sort of perspective to how I viewed family time drastically changed the importance I now feel for spending time with loved ones. It is also simple math. I am 24 years old, my parents are in their early 50s. Using 55 as a base and assuming they live to be at least 80, that is 25 years. In those 25 years, assume I travel 6 days for Thanksgiving (Tuesday-Sunday) and 4 days for Christmas. That is 250 days over approximately 9,100 days that I would see my parents, or only 2% of my time. This is also probably on the high end because I did not take into account years when I would visit in-laws for holidays or go on vacation. This is simple math but also math you probably have never thought to do. I know I never did. I always thought, “It’s no big deal I will see you soon.” The “soon” in the “see you soon” statements typically become longer and longer time periods as you lead your own life. For grandparents, there is even less time. Death is a morbid subject but time is a reality. If your grandparents are 80 years old, consider how many times you will see them, consider how many more conversations you will have with them. 10? 20? Make the time, pick up the phone and talk, take the trip home, don’t wait until next year, cherish their presence, and realize the gravity of how time passing works before it is too late.